JUNE 26, 2008

“… My attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow. Our Lord received Himself, accepting His position and realizing His purpose, in the midst of the fire of sorrow. He was saved not _from_ the hour, but _out_ of the hour. Oswald Chambers, June 25.

Last weekend our family, Katie, Audrey, Andy, Madison, Hannah and I, attended our niece’s wedding. The daughter of Kathie’s sister was married in Sarasota, Florida in a beautiful wedding ceremony and reception. Since last summer, I have been working and planning to attend this family event. Leaving Kathie for four days, juggling the individual schedules, flights and being there without Kath were all major considerations. We all had a very nice time though, as this wedding also became a family reunion and a vacation in a warm beach community. Andy had to leave the room as the groom and his mother danced, Kate watched as her aunt and cousin got ready, and I could see Kathie in the midst of the reception as I danced with Maddie and Hannah. Sunday, Andy planned an afternoon snorkeling trip for our family at a nearby beach, then shopping and dinner. It was nice to be together enjoying the afternoon and evening, Kathie would have appreciated it. The next day we all flew out at different times heading home.

The night before we left for Florida, I stood next to Kathie, documenting her breathing, as I watched her capped trach. She yawned loudly and I enjoyed hearing the sounds. I have learned that my care giving involves watching and enjoying very small movements or sounds. I knew that she would want us to attend the wedding so I kissed her good-bye and followed her direction.

When I saw Kathie again on Tuesday, we went outside the hospital, I let the breeze blow through her toes and I told her about the whole trip in detail as a friend suggested as I massaged her feet. Her smile and eye movement were reassuring. The month of June has been emotionally draining but I think daily life was accomplished in God’s plan and for His purpose.

Our family,
Dave, Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie and Audrey

JUNE 16, 2008

Matthew 11:28-30 was the verse in Kathie’s room for Monday, today I will attend Hannah's Promotion ceremony, another life event that is difficult to do without Kath. Here is the verse in The Message:

"Are you tired? Worn out? … Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I had the opportunity to go back to the hospital last night to be with Kath. When I sit with her, she has progressed to breathing with her trach capped and no additional oxygen. So I capped her trach, raised up her bed, massaged her neck and held her. Thanking her for helping me become a father.

Father’s Day was a difficult day, rushing around, celebrating and anticipating today’s promotion celebration. Friends at Church, nurses at the hospital, emails, my own family all reminded me and I had to work at being thankful that I have been given this opportunity to father and be blessed by my father and grandfather.

This morning, Hannah and Madison made breakfast and wrote this note:

“Dear Mr. Mom,
With all the strength you have each day to go to work, help at the house, be funny and a lot of other things, you are the best daddy ever! So here is a little treat 4 you on a late Father’s Day!
Surprise!”

God continues to engineer my circumstances and I continue asking to live in the “unforced rhythms of grace.”
Dave / Father

JUNE 13, 2008

I spent this weekend as part of a house building team in an economically poor neighborhood of Tijuana. What a wonderful experience to help these people and get to know the families as they worked along side our teams of volunteers. Hannah struggles with my absence; this is the only time of year I am away from the girls for a couple of nights. My parents and friends shuttled the girls around allowing me to spend the three days in Mexico. The girls and I did this similar trip in the Spring, so they support what I am doing but we all miss each other, even for a few days as we help our neighbors.

The other major struggle is my time spent away from Kathie. My parents went by the hospital, checking on her, sometimes my Mom brings flowers she has grown to liven up the room. I always eagerly anticipate my return to Kathie. In years past, as I would return from these trips, she would greet me with a big smile and her index finger on my chest as I tried to hug her, “shower first, then a hug,” was her response. Maddie just puckers for a kiss, making sure she is far enough away that the dust doesn’t settle on her. This time, as I stood at Kathie’s bedside, I raised up the bed and gave her a big hug telling her how much I love her as I kissed her.

This morning, Hannah was honorably discharged from the school safety patrol and dismissed her squad. Officer Carter let her entire school know that each elementary school has a Captain, and out of the 90 Captains in San Diego, Hannah was asked to interview at Police Headquarters before a panel of officers, she finished fourth in the process and attained the rank of Major. After our accident, as third grade started, she could barely stay in class. Today I watched her give the command, “squad attention… dismissed!” Pictured below is the squad all responding, “Ma’m, yes ma’m!” At that moment, I could picture Kathie’s expression.



As I live this life before God... I see glimpses of Him working out His plan in our lives.

Hope,
Dave

JUNE 5, 2008

This morning I attended a reception for volunteers at Hannah’s school. I attended to honor Kathie’s hours of volunteering over the ten years our daughters went to this school. Kathie spent many hours working with the teachers as a “room mom,” taught lessons through the Art Corp program, Family Faculty recording secretary, volunteered me as needed, and between us, we completed her goal of driving or chaperoning on each of the girl’s field trips through elementary school. She enjoyed her mom work at the school and many teachers acknowledged her support.

Later at the hospital, I took Kathie outside and massaged her feet as we sat in the sun; I let her know her work is appreciated.

Today makes two years and nine months since our accident, we continue…
Dave & Kathie

JUNE 2, 2008

This is a much highlighted and underlined passage from My Utmost for His Highest. My book can almost fall open to this May 19 devotional because I have read it so often. I read it when I don’t want to read, when I'd rather be angry or frustrated with God. From the start, the word “wreck” causes my eyes to focus; I pray it is encouraging to you.

“Out of the Wreck I Rise.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? —Romans 8:35

God does not keep His child immune from trouble; He promises, "I will be with him in trouble . . ." (Psalm 91:15). It doesn’t matter how real or intense the adversities may be; nothing can ever separate him from his relationship to God. "In all these things we are more than conquerors . . ." (Romans 8:37). Paul was not referring here to imaginary things, but to things that are dangerously real. And he said we are "super-victors" in the midst of them, not because of our own ingenuity, nor because of our courage, but because none of them affects our essential relationship with God in Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for the Christian who doesn’t have something in the circumstances of his life that he wishes were not there.

"Shall tribulation . . . ?" Tribulation is never a grand, highly welcomed event; but whatever it may be— whether exhausting, irritating, or simply causing some weakness— it is not able to "separate us from the love of Christ." Never allow tribulations or the "cares of this world" to separate you from remembering that God loves you (Matthew 13:22).

"Shall . . . distress . . . ?" Can God’s love continue to hold fast, even when everyone and everything around us seems to be saying that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

"Shall . . . famine . . . ?" Can we not only believe in the love of God but also be "more than conquerors," even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver, having deceived even Paul, or else some extraordinary thing happens to someone who holds on to the love of God when the odds are totally against him. Logic is silenced in the face of each of these things which come against him. Only one thing can account for it— the love of God in Christ Jesus. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time.”

I appreciate your prayers and the encouragement you continue to send, I am not deceived.
Dave

MAY 29, 2008

Wednesday I received a call from Sharp Coronado Hospital telling me that Kathie would be moved to a different room. The staff is very sensitive to families during a move because it is upsetting. This kind of news always concerns me, I have gotten used to a “trail” through the hospital, checking in at a nurse’s station and we have enjoyed a private room for many months. For those who visit her, Kathie was moved back to Subacute Unit Two, room 151. I write so you can learn from my struggle, I understand this process. It was upsetting in the weeks following our accident when Kathie left ICU for Step-down ICU then transferred to Coronado Hospital and today there is still tension. Although, I was very concerned about any change for Kath, my prayers became a reminder of what I believe, “God engineers our circumstances,” this statement is easier to write than live. I will move forward in belief.

While my parents cooked dinner and helped with the girl’s homework, I drove to the Hospital to check on Kathie and saw that she was fine. The room is different, different sounds, different look but I knew her evening nurse and the Charge Nurse. So I plugged in her neck massager, adjusted pillows, and enjoyed my time with her. I continue to observe her look around the room and tonight she gave me that crocked smile when I gave her a long kiss. My prayer is to be an active participant as God works out His Call in both of our lives. Kathie and I each looked relaxed as I left her new room, we both experienced peace.

Dave

MAY 27, 2008

Yesterday, I sat with Kathie in the late afternoon; it was one of those days where she seemed to look right into me. Some head movement, her eyes sometimes tracking me around the room or looking toward the television. A friend reminded me of the “tension” found in the Bible. The struggle as followers of Christ, try to live a life between “miracles” and “my Grace is sufficient…” I usually leave Kathie’s bedside thinking hard about what I have seen and simply pray, “thank you Lord for what I see, I pray that I am following your direction,” early this morning that prayer continues, as I’m awake.

The girls and I went to the Mall because what better thing to do on a sunny day but go shopping? I can think of plenty of other things to do but Dad and his credit card were invited to go. I am happy to report that “cute,” colorful and coordinated items were purchased leading to big smiles and “thank-you Daddy” (notice Daddy instead of Dad). I pointed out a pretty dress to Madison and she said, “Mommy would look pretty in that,” I gently smiled; nothing can be said in response to that statement.

I work hard at living a balanced life each day. Many mornings I wake up and say “thank you Lord for this day, what do you have for me to do?” Sometimes, I sit with Kathie for hours or I am the scheduled driver or the shopping partner but I must work at following God’s plan for the day. As a husband, I miss Kath, but for the girls, I never want to be a missing father.

Hannah’s prayer before bed last night was for the soldiers who protect us and who are away from their families. She is very aware of the meaning of Memorial Day and I enjoy learning from both the girls.

Dave, Madison and Hannah

MAY 19, 2008

Saturday I spent five hours with Kathie, documenting her breathing as her trach was capped. She did well and seemed comfortable. I have documented her breathing for almost three months now and I have watched her go from breathing only five minutes with her trach covered to five hours. My objective is to simplify her care and make sure she is comfortable; these breathing trials seem to help. I watch her facial and neck muscles for signs of stress and seeing none, I continue. The verse in her room on Saturday was Romans 8:28 (NASB), you can picture me reading this out loud and standing next to her:

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

The eighth chapter of Romans is one of my favorites in the bible. From sinful man to a loving God the chapter always brings me back to the basics of my faith. I have studied verse 28 repeatedly, sometimes changing the verse order. If I love God and I am called according to His purpose, I must believe that in His way, all things will work together for good. I’m sure this verse is a stumbling block to non-Christians; imagine how it feels to read this to Kathie knowing that “God causes all things to work together for good…” My reversed order causes me to focus on my love for God and His call to me.

During our Sunday visit, I read Romans 8:28 to Madison and Hannah but I didn’t read it as dogma, they know my questions to God, they know my faith. I pray they continue to live out their life of faith.

Dave

MAY 13, 2008

Today I took Kathie outside, I uncovered her feet and we sat in the sun. I massaged her toes and she gave me a crocked smile. I worked around her limbs as she sat in the chair looking more and more relaxed.

The Hospital Chaplin stopped by to say hello. Every other Thursday, Becky holds a church service for the Subacute patients, there is music and a message for the patients, interesting ministry and call. She gave me a picture of Kathie during one of the services where she held a mirror to the face of each patient. From 2 Corinthians 3:18 “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Sunday, Hannah read the Mother’s Day card to Kathie while Madison hung up Kathie’s gowns, “I’ve hung them in the order Mom should wear them.”

Dave

MAY 10, 2008

Zephaniah 3:17 was the verse for May 9 in Kathie’s room. (NIV) “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

When I arrived to see Kathie today, I was granted a gift. Both her eyes were open and she was awake for most of our four hour visit. I brushed her hair, massaged her neck and generally tried to treat her special. When I attach the PMV or red cap to her trach, she will make noises like sighs or yawns, today she sneezed and it was like watching a baby sneeze, I laughed and kissed her. A spring bouquet of flowers is at her bedside, we will celebrate Mom.

I realize that many of us will celebrate Mother’s Day in thanksgiving and gratitude while there will be some tender memories. I am very thankful for the ladies who mother Maddie and Hannah. You are appreciated as a blessing in my prayers, Happy Mother's Day.

"Our God takes great delight in you,"
Dave

MAY 8, 2008

I usually read the Oswald Chambers passage for the following day as I go to bed, thinking about the passage for the next day. I read it last night… in anger at God… as I am continually stretched and tired of it. This life doesn’t get easier, just different.

The Faith to Persevere
Revelation 3:10 (NIV) Since you have kept my command to endure patiently (Message: passionate patience), I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come…

“God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once in a while the saint says, "I can’t take any more." Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly. Entrust yourself to God’s hands. Is there something in your life for which you need perseverance right now?”

I read it again this morning still shaking my head. I am looking forward to my lunchtime with Kathie today. She doesn’t’ seem to open her eyes as much when I’m with her and whatever little glimpses of contact I had seem to grow even smaller. Tuesday afternoon, I raised up her bed and leaned my cheek against her forehead; I could smell her hair as I hugged her.

Tomorrow’s Chambers passage is entitled “Reaching Beyond Our Grasp,” great, just what I’m looking forward to. I do re-read your guestbook encouragements when I am frustrated, I know that you pray for us and I thank you but this “oak” feels more like a feeble twig these days.

Dave

APRIL 29, 2008

On my visit at lunchtime today, I massaged a tight muscle in Kathie’s neck and I thought, what a blessing to bring some comfort to her as I kissed her good-bye. The verse in her room is: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Interesting verse for her bedside... "hope and a future."
Dave

APRIL 28, 2008

I was able to spend a lot of time with Kathie this weekend. Friday, Hannah left for Girl Scout camp and I was not included in Maddie’s mall trip. I spent the next four hours with Kath, documenting her breathing and making her comfortable. Saturday evening I spent about the same amount of time doing the same things over again. I usually don’t receive any notable feedback unless I’m massaging her neck, but I strive to make her comfortable and let her know that she is loved.

Sunday evening Hannah announced as she left the shower, “the Bug (my nickname for her) is sanitary.” I laughed at her, it was good to have her home, she has been experiencing more separation anxiety when we are apart and it was good to hug her.

At 2 am I was reading Psalm 91: 14-16, I’ve adjusted the words from singular to plural as I pray this for Kathie and myself:

"Because they love me," says the LORD, "I will rescue them;
I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name.
They will call upon me, and I will answer them;
I will be with them in trouble,
I will deliver them and honor them.
With long life will I satisfy them
and show them my salvation."

I capped Kathie’s trach for over three hours on Friday and Saturday, I was happy to sit with her. She was sleeping very soundly as I kissed her goodnight.

Dave

APRIL 24, 2008

As I visit Kathie during the workweek, I am limited to about an hour (half hour commute each way) so I only get a small glimpse of her day. In the last few weeks, I was worried when her eyes were closed on multiple visits, she had symptoms similar to before her shunt surgery in the Fall of 2006. Last Saturday I was relieved to see her eyes open and a crocked smile when I kiss her neck. When I am with her for longer than an hour I attach the PMV and log her breathing, she does well. On a couple of occasions, I have capped her trach and she has breathed for an hour through her mouth and nose. Because of staffing and her brain injury, breathing trials are limited to when I can sit with her only; she is not a candidate for breathing therapy. Today she seemed to hold her mouth open for me while I brushed and flossed her teeth; I continue to stretch, wash, and kiss always letting her know that she is loved.

I heard a sermon yesterday about King David’s despair as Saul was chasing him; David had been anointed King but was hiding in a cave. My despair comes from being on this long road and while knowing that God engineers my circumstances, in the drudgery, I still wonder how it will all turn out. The Message translates King David’s words in Psalm 143: 4-6: “I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away, my heart heavy, like lead. I remembered the old days, went over all you've done, pondered the ways you've worked, stretched out my hands to you, as thirsty for you as a desert thirsty for rain.”

I found an Oswald Chambers quote from March 15 that I also used for encouragement: “The discipline of dismay is an essential lesson which a disciple must learn. The danger is that we tend to look back on our times of obedience and on our past sacrifices to God in an effort to keep our enthusiasm for Him strong (see Isaiah 1:10-11). But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy.”

I use these quotes as I keep looking to my Heavenly Father for strength and hope as each day comes.

I look forward to being with Kathie for more than an hour this weekend.
Dave

APRIL 14, 2008

Last week I wasn’t feeling well and Thursday was the last day I could visit Kathie. Since then, I have been recovering from a chest-cold, continuing the role of a single parent and frustrated that I can’t visit Kathie. I am getting better but struggling with God’s timing, I seem to be out of the rhythm.

With my permission, last weekend Kathie had a visitor, he was at our accident scene and had tried to help. Please continue to pray for the strength of the young men who were in the fire tanker truck at the time of the accident. Legal depositions were very emotional for them and each one carries a sad burden.

Today verse and thought from My Utmost for His Highest is: "Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me." Matthew 11:29
“Whom the Lord loves He chastens . . ." (Hebrews 12:6). How petty our complaining is! Our Lord begins to bring us to the point where we can have fellowship with Him, only to hear us moan and groan, saying, "Oh Lord, just let me be like other people!"…”

Thursday, after visiting Kathie, I was honored to speak at my friend’s memorial service. I last saw Mary on December 26th as I prayed at her bedside, she was 96. I’m not sure why God engineers our lives the way he does, I was blessed to have known her.

Reading over this entry, I realize how fragmented my life can be without my faith in Jesus Christ, Chambers continues with his thought: “…Jesus is asking us to get beside Him and take one end of the yoke, so that we can pull together. That’s why Jesus says to us, "My yoke is easy and My burden is light"

Learning to live with the “easy yoke,”
Dave

APRIL 8, 2008

I am still worn down by last week’s legal meetings that seem to just go on and on. Independent Medical Exams are scheduled and legal wrangling is happening but our next meeting is not until August, almost three years since our accident. I had thought the process would be on track for more productive meetings. After, I went to see Kathie and tell her that the legal process would take a little longer than I expected.

My discouragement shows where my focus is, I still want to put my plan (my self) before God’s timing. From April 4 My Utmost: “". . . be of good cheer, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Unyielding spiritual fortitude is what we need.” Oswald Chambers.

Saturday, I filed and painted Kathie’s fingernails, the girls applauded my work and picked out a new color while we were out on Sunday.

God continues to “engineer” my circumstances, but I am tired.

Dave

MARCH 31, 2008

A week ago, I was very down and very discouraged, already, the day after Easter and I was wondering whether God was listening or not. I recognize that when I am off balance in an area of my life and I felt tired and off balance, an easy target for discouragement. I work hard to balance time with the girls, their schoolwork, time with Kathie, her medical meetings, my work and my quiet time to prepare to do again the next day. Many days I am tired of putting on the Spiritual Armor of Ephesians, I don’t want the battle. Midday was very warm so Kathie and I sat outside with her feet uncovered in the sun.

Wednesday, I had a meeting with Kathie’s Care Team and as I was busy hanging up her gowns, I realized that I was “busy.” I stopped and spent some time talking to her and looking into her eyes, at that moment, for whatever reason, I felt connected to her and enjoyed getting lost in those eyes. She has looks very comfortable.

Saturday morning I was able to see some friends who have been touched multiple times by tragedy. While we have deep pain in common, our conversation shows that we rely on our faith in Jesus Christ not reliving the tragedy but moving forward in faith. Our discussions always encourage me back to our faith; these two friends are a blessing. I spent the rest of the morning painting Kathie’s toenails while documenting her breathing. I had to get home in the afternoon for a mall appointment with the girls... that evening, while the girls were away, I went back to Kathie’s room, sitting in low light and holding her hand while she slept. In the midst of our tragedy, the God who showed us love at Easter continues to bless us.

Dave

MARCH 23, 2008

"The Gift we celebrate at Christmas was not wrapped, it was crucified. It was not under the tree, it was nailed to the tree, and it was not opened on Christmas day, it was opened on Easter morning."

This quote from Doug Webster's "A Christmas Journey" describes the faith that Kathie and I live with each day, especially mindful as we celebrate Easter.

Dave & Kathie

MARCH 20, 2008

We completed another great house-building trip through Amor Ministries. The girls did a great job working with the group as we built two houses in very poor areas. On their first trip, many people are shocked by the condition of the dogs in the street. That is their first view of poverty, when the people don’t eat well, the animals don’t eat well. This trip gives the participants a unique worldview, while providing basic needs for others in the name of Christ.

I was wrong; Kathie’s care meeting is next week, so I will talk with her care team later about her PMV. As Kathie's jaws have loosed, I have been able to add flossing with a pick to her care. Recently, I bumped into a staff counselor from Sharp Memorial Hospital who looks in on this site, I thanked her for the care she gave our family and asked her to thank the ICU Staff again.

Seeing Kathie after anytime away is always a happy time for me. Her crocked smile as I kiss her neck, talking to her, even smelling her hair as I tell her how beautiful she is. All of this brings back the memories of past reunions, my heart beats faster as I park the truck and enter the hospital.

The Guestbook is back up.

Joy, as we celebrate the Resurrection of Christ,
Dave, Maddie and Hannah

MARCH 16, 2008

Kathie continues to do well using the PMV valve on her trach. I document her percent of oxygen absorbed (%SpO2) and her heart rate (BPM) every 15 minutes when she is using the valve. I believe she is more comfortable and even somewhat more aware as air passes through her mouth and nose. I will meet with her care team this Wednesday to discuss our next steps.

Hannah, Madison and I leave today for a house building trip in Tijuana. Maddie’s third and Hannah’s first trip, both are very excited. It is difficult for me to leave Kath but my parents will look in on her and my Mom will ask that the PMV is used when she visits. I am very thankful for my parents’ daily, loving care.

The verse in Kathie’s room on Saturday was from Romans 8:

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[l] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

“We are more than conquerors,”
Dave, Maddie and Hannah

MARCH 8, 2008

I haven't read any new notes in our Guestbook for over a month, I've enjoyed re-reading the past notes, I'm sorry to say that a technical problem caused us to miss those notes. I do very much appreciate your encouragement and communications, I try to write back whenever possible. I have asked the greatest technical minds I know to work on this problem (smile). I look forward to hearing from you when the Guestbook is operational again. Your words encourage me when I am worn down and I appreciate you daily.
Dave

MARCH 6, 2008

Yesterday marked two and a half years since our accident, I have written the words “six months” in my copy of My Utmost for His Highest.

The March 6 devotional from Oswald Chambers is titled, “Taking the Next Step.” I have a task reminder that comes up every workday at 10 am with that title; the task is full of sermon quotes, bible verses and Chamber’s quotes reminding me to look to God. This was the first Chamber’s passage that I added to that task:

“When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step…”

It continues, “The thing that really testifies for God and for the people of God in the long run is steady perseverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others. And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God.”

The passage ends with the reference to Christ washing the disciples' feet as a reminder of how I should live my life. I need this task reminder, appearing on my computer, to take the next steps. 30 months is a long time.

Sunday is Hannah’s 11th birthday and a “shopping spree,” her words, is planned for Saturday.

Dave

FEBRUARY 29, 2008

The 28th is Andy’s birthday, the young man is 25 years old and doing well.

This has been a long week, Tuesday we sat outside in the sunshine and I uncovered her feet so the breeze could blow on her toes. Today, when I arrived I kissed her neck and got a smile. I called ahead and the nurses had everything ready for the PMV to be attached when I am with her. Once again, she did great and listening to her yawn is enjoyable. She listened to Tim McGraw with ear buds while I sat with her. I continue to stretch her arms, brush her teeth, check her ears, wash her gowns and last Saturday I trimmed and filed her fingernails. Today I said hello to a woman who was stretching her daughter’s legs, afterward. As I left I simply said, “take care.” Through this site and the hospital, I have met many people who care for loved ones in quiet perseverance. I pray for their strength.

Romans 5: 3-5 was the verse in her room. Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.

Take care,
Dave

FEBRUARY 25, 2008

Last Wednesday and Thursday, I surprised the girls with a trip to Disneyland. This was our first vacation since the accident and with the support of some good friends, who we met up with; we all had a good time. Memories of Kathie were everywhere, I missed her deeply but each memory still made me smile and I thank God for our past trips together. The girls and I appreciated two days of breathing space while having a good time and laughing a lot.

Friday night, Hannah and I attended a father-daughter dance at her school and had a wonderful time. If she went with her friends, she wanted to make sure I wasn’t standing by myself.



Saturday I sat with Kathie while the PMV was attached to her tracheostomy. I observed her SpO2 (the saturation of oxygen in the circulatory system) and her BPM (heartbeats per minute), documenting the measurements every 10 minutes for a five hour breathing trial. She did a great job and I am pleased that she tolerated five hours of using the one-way (inhale followed by exhale through her mouth and nose). My prayer is for wisdom on how to proceed to a next level. Other than occasional coughs, she seemed very relaxed and even fell asleep during my time with her.

“When looking back on the lives of men and women of God, the tendency is to say, "What wonderfully keen and intelligent wisdom they had, and how perfectly they understood all that God wanted!" But the keen and intelligent mind behind them was the mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the divine guidance of God being exhibited through childlike people who were "foolish" enough to trust God’s wisdom and His supernatural equipment.” Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Oct. 26.

The verse in Kathie’s room on Saturday was Ephesians 4: 1-2: “… I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

I see the amazing benefits of bearing with Kathie in love,
Dave

FEBRUARY 19, 2008

In my February 4 update, I mentioned a “one-way tracheostomy valve” trial that I requested through Kathie’s doctor. February 8 I was told that she “is not a good candidate” but I pressed the therapist and said you will have to show me. I understood that he was concerned for her comfort while he has many, many patients… I have only one. He wrote an order for the RN to relieve the trach cuff pressure in my presences. We did this last Saturday (the 16th) and Kathie responded well but written orders were not available yet for the PMV trial to continue. I have sent emails and I am sure that new orders will be written by the end of the week. I am writing this as a reminder that we all work with people and even in the medical field, an advocate’s job is to ask, learn and act. It was amazing to me as I briefly heard her exhale through her mouth and nose, even making throat noises, noises that I haven’t heard since our accident. Monday, I sat with her for five hours watching and documenting her breathing.

My prayer is that this slow process will benefit her comfort.
Dave

FEBRUARY 14, 2008

I woke up early this morning and read the Oswald Chambers passage for today titled, The Discipline of Hearing (http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php). Then I scanned another book for the passage on “Perseverance.” I am thankful to God for the celebration of past Valentine’s Days with Kathie and mindful that, even early in the morning, I do not have the strength to celebrate today without God’s grace. I begin each day recognizing that God has engineered another day for me.

Kathie would buy greeting cards ahead of time; I recently found one of those cards and carried it with me today. It says, “When I start to feel blue or discouraged, it helps a lot to know you’re in this with me… Together, I know we can make it.” What a wonderful reminder of Kath on Valentine’s Day.

“Perseverance is the quality of character that enables one to pursue a goal in spite of obstacles and difficulties. It is one thing to simply bear up under adversity. This in itself is commendable. But God calls us to do more than simply bear the load of adversity. He calls us to persevere (to press forward) in the face of it,…The Christian is called to pursue with diligence the will of God. To do this requires perseverance.” Trusting God Even When Life Hurts, Jerry Bridges pp 185.

Today, I delivered flowers to Kathie and the nurse’s stations at lunch; I received that crocked smile from Kath.

Dave

FEBRUARY 8, 2008

The verse in Kathie’s room today is: Romans 15:14 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

When I read of the “God of hope… so that you may overflow with hope…” it made me think of earlier verses in Romans, chapter 5, verses: 3-5:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Whenever I see the word “hope,” I think about the intermediate steps that it takes to understand hope as I serve the God of hope. I live these verses often.

This morning I had a meeting at the hospital, I am very thankful for the care that Kathie has received. In talking with nurses, staff and hospital administration, I make it very clear what a blessing these people are to our family and Kathie. The early trach valve trials were not successful so I am working in another direction. Since it took almost a year to relax her jaw, I will continue to work on this in very small steps.

This week some changes in the website server caused a delay in my update posting. It also made me think of the people who facilitate this site. From the first night of our accident, this site has allowed updates and prayer requests to keep friends and family informed and close. Thank you.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him…”
Dave

FEBRUARY 5, 2008

Today I woke up at 4 am and prayed for strength as another day starts. My friend Judi was also on my mind, her grandmother is slowly dying, under hospice care, at home.

By 11 am, I had received legal emails and was scheduling appointments for meetings at the hospital. My mind was traveling in many directions thinking about all the tasks causing plenty of stress.

At lunchtime, I met Kathie in the activity room, she was wearing yellow Mardi gras beads as I smiled at her and I received a crocked smile back. The verse in her room was Psalm 27:1:

The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

It was a good reminder and a source of relief from my morning stress.

I do not argue with Kathie’s nurses but I do ask questions, after a telephone call with a Charge Nurse earlier this morning, she did some extra checking and was able to supply the therapist with the needed trach parts. Kathie’s breathing trial will resume with the new PMV.

On the drive back to work, I listened to the lyrics of a song our Church Praise Team sings.

“No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.”

“No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand,” a few tears went down my cheek as I drove; she was hard to leave today.

She is very beautiful and I miss her.
Dave

FEBRUARY 4, 2008

Sunday Hannah was out of the hospital room and Maddie asked me what Mom looked like at the accident, I started to describe what she was wearing, Maddie said no, “what did she look like after the accident happened?” Then she asked me to describe Hannah, Andy and what she looked like after impact. I have vivid pictures of what each looked like and I gave Maddie the short version. When Hannah came into the room, Madison read the verse in Kathie’s room:

1 John 4:16-17: “We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect…”

I have requested that Kathie’s doctor trial a one-way tracheostomy valve to see how it may benefit her, so the therapist started the trial last week. The development history is interesting and I spent Friday evening reading about the benefits of a Passy-Muir Valve (PMV). Unfortunately, a disposable part of the trach is out of stock at the hospital and the trial will have to wait until the 10th. Another frustration… that will be handled in God’s timing… not mine. My interest is in the breathing and olfactory benefits of this valve, your prayers are appreciated.

Last night I made time to go back to Kathie’s room, she slept so peacefully and I sat next to her, running my fingers through her hair. She moved her head to the right and stayed asleep for the hour I sat with her.

"We will accept everything that happens as if it were happening to Him, whether we receive praise or blame, persecution or reward. No one is able to take this stand for Jesus Christ who is not totally compelled by the majesty of His power. It is the only thing that matters, and yet it is strange that it’s the last thing we as Christian workers realize. Paul said that he was gripped by the love of God and that is why he acted as he did. People could perceive him as mad or sane-he did not care… This total surrender to "the love of Christ" is the only thing that will bear fruit in your life. And it will always leave the mark of God’s holiness and His power, never drawing attention to your personal holiness.” Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, February 4.

Dave

JANUARY 25, 2008

At lunchtime today, I found Kathie listening to a keyboard player in the hospital activity room. Both eyes were open and she was facing the musician. When I whispered, “hey Kath,” she seemed to give me a smile. I simply share with you what I see. I took her back to her room, rubbed her neck, filed her fingernails and brushed her teeth. I reminded her that tomorrow is Saturday and I am spending more time than just an hour with her.

My reading at 3:10 early this morning:

“When we are in the midst of adversity and, as it frequently seems to happen, calamity after calamity seems to be surging in upon us, we will be tempted to doubt God’s love. Not only do we struggle with our own doubts, but Satan seizes these occasions to whisper accusations against God, such as, “If He loved you, He wouldn’t have allowed this to happen.” My own experience suggests that Satan attacks us far more in the area of God’s love than either His sovereignty or His wisdom…

Our emotions must become subservient to the truth. This does not mean we do not feel the pain of adversity and heartache. We feel it keenly. Nor does it mean we should seek to bury our emotional pain in a stoic-like attitude. We are meant to feel the pain of adversity, but we must resist allowing that pain to cause us to lapse into hard thoughts about God…

God’s love is an objective truth that cannot be contradicted. But it is truth we must store away in our minds and hearts. Then we must use it in the midst of adversity to deal with our doubts, combat accusations of Satan, and glorify God by trusting Him.” Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, pp. 136, 140, and 146.

I’m looking forward to a restful weekend,
Dave

JANUARY 23, 2008

When I spoke with Andy last week he sounded great, better than he has sounded in three years. He enjoys his work as a sous-chef and seems happy with the direction his life is going. He has made strides to create good habits and I found it heartwarming to see this young man with such a positive outlook.

I had a legal meeting yesterday and Hannah was concerned, after I dropped her off at Safety Patrol, she called me. “Daddy, I just wanted you to know that I love you, have a good meeting,” I bowed my head and thanked God for the reminder that I needed to go forward in faith and know that my heavenly father is encouraging me on just like Hannah. The meeting went well.

As I entered Kathie’s room this morning, a nurse’s assistant commented that Kathie had a strained look, I felt below her right ear, and her neck muscle was tight. Between the neck massager and my fingers, I felt the muscle relax, as did her facial muscles. I continue to pray that God would show me how to love Kath; here I am allowed to relieve a minor muscle ache and recognize an answer to prayer.

“Never let a hurried lifestyle disturb the relationship of abiding in Him. This is an easy thing to allow, but we must guard against it. The most difficult lesson of the Christian life is learning how to continue, "beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord . . . ."” 2 Corinthians 3:18, from My Utmost for His Highest, January 23.

Dave

JANUARY 16, 2008

When I brush Kathie’s teeth, I encourage her as if I were cheering her on. Wednesday morning after brushing, I stretched her muscles, encouraging her as I go and then rubbing her neck to relax her. This time she relaxed and went to sleep, I stood watching her in REM sleep then no eye movement just relaxed sleep and in about 20 minutes, she woke up, yawned, looked at me and gave me a slight smile. I appreciate moments like that.

These last few weeks I have needed to complete documents about our accident, reliving moments, describing our relationship and concentrating on details of the painful past. I am worn down each evening, less patient with the girls and wishing I could give them my best instead of the leftovers. I know there will be better days.

When I read this portion of scripture, I tend to read, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him,” at least three times to remind and encourage myself (cheering myself on via scripture). This was the verse in Kathie’s room on Wednesday:

Lamentations 3 24-26: I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

“Waiting quietly,”
Dave

JANUARY 9, 2008

In August of 2006, I began working to relax Kathie’s jaws; her teeth were clenched so tight that she bit off a very small portion of her lower lip. At first I would massage the masseter muscle that moves the jaw, then dip my finger in mouthwash and massage her gums, we progressed to a sponge brush, then a variety of child size toothbrushes. This morning, I was finally able to use an adult toothbrush and brush her lower front teeth as she opened her mouth wide enough and relaxed her lower lip. This as a small blessing toward Kathie’s comfort and I am grateful to God for this little gift.

I am continually amazed at the collective of people who uphold our family in prayer, thank you. Sometimes I become stagnant in my prayers, believing in God’s sovereign control and wrestling before Him to understand his permissive will for our lives. January 5th marked two years and four months… a long, long time of deep prayer. I recognize when I am stagnant in prayer, you are not; you continue to be a part of our story. Knowing you are with us in prayer encourages us more than you might realize. I know that I can share a small teeth-brushing success because you will thank God with me. God has allowed our faith and prayer lives to grow toward His purposes.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 (KJV) “Pray without ceasing,” the verse in her room today.

Dave

JANUARY 2, 2008

Hannah called me yesterday from a sleepover, when she hears a siren; many times, she will call me to hear my voice.

This year begins like last year; we wash Kathie’s gowns, stretch her muscles and brush her teeth. Because of vacation time and holidays, I was able to visit her everyday for the last two and a half weeks. I have enjoyed the opportunity to sit with her, she may not have enjoyed all the football games I’ve had on the TV though.

Last week a friend told me that he doesn’t read the updates anymore, the repetition and struggle are too much for him. I told him that I understand because I would rather not live the repetition and struggle. He continues to pray for our strength but the reading is too much for him. I do understand, I continue to write because you continue to support us in prayer. I appreciate the cards and emails of support that we received especially during Christmas, many of you have stood with us for a long time now. Not everyone has been called to your purpose, Thank you.

Isaiah 46: 9-10 was the verse in Kathie’s room on December 31. The last line is a powerful reminder of the sovereign God we serve.

Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

Like my Hannah, I continue to look to God’s word for reassurance. We begin a new year.
Dave

DECEMBER 28, 2007

We celebrated a peaceful Christmas.

Andy, Katie and Audrey spent the night Christmas Eve and we all woke up together Christmas morning. Many of Kathie’s traditions are observed and her presence is felt throughout the day. There were 10 of us for dinner so everyone pitched in, Katie and the girls set the table while Chef Andy and Grandma created a wonderful meal.

Last year Katie had made and gave each of us a picture of Kathie’s hand print and the saying by Kay Knudsen, “Love is missing someone whenever you’re apart but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close in heart.” This year Madison gave each of us a framed black and white picture of Kathie that Andy had taken in 2005.

I have been reading Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. “But what about when the story does not have a happy ending? Is God sovereign then also? It’s easy to trust God when a process of events turns out as we would desire, though even here our faith often falters during the process until we know the outcome… Is God sovereign only in the “good” circumstances of our lives?”

My theme for this coming year will be from My Utmost for His Highest, December 16, “We don’t have to fight or wrestle with God, but we must wrestle before God with things. Beware of lazily giving up. Instead, put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength.”

I looked at Kathie today and said, “You are beautiful and I’m very proud of you, I miss hearing your voice, I love you.” Then I kissed her lips, she gave me that “crocked smile” as I ran my fingers through her hair. She received two chenille blankets as gifts and she felt warm and comfortable.

I have thanksgiving for the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6),
Dave

DECEMBER 24, 2007

Merry Christmas Eve,

The verse in Kathie’s room today is Matthew 1:23; “…and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us." Reading this to her, I emphasized the last three words.

Yesterday was a difficult Sunday for the girls as we visited Kath. There was a collision between looking at their mother and the feelings of Christmas. After some tears, hugs and remembering, I took them to lunch, then we continued on with our day.

“The Gift we celebrate at Christmas was not wrapped, it was crucified. It was not under the tree, it was nailed to the tree, and it was not opened on Christmas day, it was opened on Easter morning.” From Doug Webster’s book, A Christmas Journey and expresses our ultimate gift.

Today I took Kathie a new youth toothbrush and neck pillow. This is the extent I can buy my wife gifts. I raised up her bed, held her while looking into her eyes and told her how beautiful she is. I have been brought to a place in my life where that kind of gift touches both of us.

“God with us” all,
Dave

DECEMBER 21, 2007

Posted on a mall door was the sign, “Give joy this year!” It turned out to be an advertisement for gift cards.

Friday night Madison went to Disneyland and I joked with her that she had my money now she didn’t need me anymore. When I went to bed, there was a toy dog under my pillow. When she was six or seven, on her first sleepovers, she would put “Blues-clues” on my pillow so, “you won’t be lonely without me.” She struggled through past memories at the “Happiest Place on Earth,” remembering past times.

Last Saturday, Hannah was named a Major in the School Safety Patrol; she wrote an essay and was interviewed by a panel of officers at police headquarters. Her squad leader, Officer Carter, who nominated her, said she placed 4th out of 13 students in San Diego. Yes, I’m proud of her but I am impressed that people in her life can see the “light within her”.

Today, I re-read my entry for December 14, 2005. That evening we met with Kathie’s neuro-surgeon and he let our family (adults) know that her prognosis for recovery was bleak. I asked him if he had ever seen such a recovery, he answered, “I’ve never seen someone live from such an injury.” The following words are from Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, on December 16. This passage has many underlines and highlight colors.

Wrestling Before God
Take up the whole armor of God . . . praying always . . . —Ephesians 6:13, 18

“…If you grab hold of God and wrestle with Him, as Jacob did, simply because He is working in a way that doesn’t meet with your approval, you force Him to put you out of joint (see Genesis 32:24-25 )… Don’t become a cripple by wrestling with the ways of God, but be someone who wrestles before God with the things of this world, because "we are more than conquerors through Him . . ." (Romans 8:37).

Always make a distinction between God’s perfect will and His permissive will, which He uses to accomplish His divine purpose for our lives. God’s perfect will is unchangeable. It is with His permissive will, or the various things that He allows into our lives, that we must wrestle before Him. It is our reaction to these things allowed by His permissive will that enables us to come to the point of seeing His perfect will for us. "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God . . ." (Romans 8:28) to those who remain true to God’s perfect will— His calling in Christ Jesus. God’s permissive will is the testing He uses to reveal His true sons and daughters. We should not be spineless and automatically say, "Yes, it is the Lord’s will." We don’t have to fight or wrestle with God, but we must wrestle before God with things. Beware of lazily giving up. Instead, put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength.”

There are so many people struggling at this time of year, I spoke with a friend who had lost a daughter about the “heavy feeling” so many people carry during the holidays. The passage above reminds me that I am not wrestling against God. His Son, the Christ, whose birth we celebrate, is a participant in our struggles. Having lived among us, he understands our heavy feelings.

Thank you for your prayers; you continually bless us as we “put up a glorious fight,”
Dave, Kathie, Madison, Hannah, Andy, Katie and Audrey

DECEMBER 13, 2007

Thank you for your patience, I have thought of you but I haven’t written. Since my last writing, we have continued to enjoy the season. Sometimes I just “bite down” and finish re-hanging lights that have quit working, sometimes I watch as Madison decorates our stairway as Kathie used to. Last Sunday, a friend took the girls and I to a Christmas program. The main character’s goal was to find out if there was Joy in Christmas. You may remember that our theme of “Choose Joy,” started at our first difficult Christmas after the accident, without Kathie. I have realized that I can’t Choose Joy once, I have to keep making that choice; some days it is easier other days the choice is a struggle. As we watched the Christmas program, I was impressed that the message took us to the manger, then past the birth, all the way to the second coming of Christ. The main character did find Joy in Christmas.

This year, I have returned to running the sound system for our Church’s School Christmas program, I have missed the last two years since our accident. This is the same downtown school that Kathie chose for Katie and Andy near her office many years ago. I have always liked the program because it consistently proclaims the birth of Christ, mixed in with children singing too loud, missing their lines or fidgeting as they wait to perform. Their faces and voices express a simple excitement and I am happy to assist the program.

Hannah is the Captain of her School Safety Patrol and Madison has kept up very good grades in school this year. Both girls embody joy in their lives; they decorate the Christmas Tree while freely talking about how “Mom wrote the year we bought this ornament” and instruct me whose turn it is to put the Angel on top of the Tree.

I hesitated to share this with you but last night, working with her toothbrush, I saw Kathie open her mouth wider than I’ve seen in the last 14 months. I know that this sounds odd but watching her move her jaw or tongue becomes a success in her comfort. So much of the stretching is to maintain her comfort; I don’t see constricted muscles as being very comfortable. She seemed to give me a crocked smile as if to say, “ok, my jaw is loose, now give me a kiss and stop with the stretching!”

In Christ,
Dave

DECEMBER 4, 2007

My friend has described our accident with words that I hear repeatedly in my mind, “That very long night in September turned into a dark night of the soul…” Occasionally, I have tired evenings that reflect “a dark night of the soul,” when this happens I read bible passages and refer to some of my favorite books. Last night I was reading Romans 5: 3-5 to remind myself that I am not without hope as God is a participant, not a spectator, in our suffering:

“… we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Reading this, I was not immediately encouraged; I find myself rolling my eyes (I have a 14-year-old daughter) at God to say, “Just what do you have in mind for us?” Moreover, “I’m done with perseverance, let’s move on!” Further reading takes me to Job 38 and a reminder that my eye roll does not amuse the Creator God of the Universe:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand."

As I try to squeeze God into my understanding, I need the word pictures laid out before Job in Chapter 38. Yahweh, His creation and His plans cannot be held in my little mind and the next four chapters are a strong lesson in the respect due to the God I serve. As I am brought into understanding, I empathize with the words of Job in Chapter 42:

Then Job replied to the LORD: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely, I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

This evening, my “dark night of the soul” is relieved and I can go to sleep praying for Kathie’s comfort and peace, knowing that there are “things too wonderful for me to know.”

Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope… Zechariah 9:12,
Dave

NOVEMBER 27, 2007

I had a nice lunchtime visit with Kathie today she seemed a little tired. She continues to move her mouth and the toothbrush has been a good tool for loosening up her jaw. The verse in her room today is Psalm 139: 23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Early Thanksgiving and her Birthday morning I took Kathie a mixed bouquet of flowers, she has always appreciated the variety of colors and smells from different flowers. I held the flowers in her line of sight and slowly moved the vase around so she could see all the flowers. The staff had already sung “Happy Birthday” and tied balloons to her bed. Because the girls were out of school last week, I only worked partial days, which allowed me to visit her every day. Last Sunday both girls were leaning on Kathie watching the television when I walked back into the room. It is a strange and wonderful sight to witness.

This Fall, Hannah again played soccer and asked me to coach her team. In the last two years, coaching soccer has become one of my highlights. At the beginning of the season, I briefly mention Kathie’s condition at the Parents meeting because the families will wonder where she is. Then we get started and I spend the next four months working with these amazing little athletes, supportive parents and a great assistant coach. When I visit Kathie after games, I tell her how Hannah played or how Maddie made each girl a hair tie (like Kathie always did) and how each girl played that day. The season has ended, judging from the girls and parents comments we all had a great time and I will really miss each of them.

Soccer season starts the weekend after our Labor Day accident, three soccer seasons ago; I took Hannah limping, to meet her team for pictures. God has engineered our circumstances so that I will be outwardly focused with our team, right in the middle of the anniversary of our accident. For the last two years, my self-focus and deep inner thoughts about the accident have been interrupted by the high pitch, enthusiastic sound of “Hi Coach Dave!” I look forward to hearing that sound again next year.

They make me smile,
Dave

NOVEMBER 20, 2007

“Faith never gives up. It knows that despite appearances, all is well. It can wait without signs or significant indications that God is at work, because it is sure of Him.” From My Daily Bread, July 29.

The time I spend with Kathie is interesting to say the least. She blinks her eyes and sometimes seems to watch me. When I am nose-to-nose talking to her, I have feelings of intimacy that are impossible. What if this is God’s blessing, am I willing to accept a blessing that seems so improbable and impossible by human standards? This year, Kathie’s Birthday will fall on Thanksgiving Day.

I mentioned the book, “Where is God When It Hurts” by Phillip Yancy. I have decided that it is a book suffering people need to find… but it cannot be just “given” to them. There is no book that will stop the pain; books offer some direction and even hope but there is no “How To” manual. I would however give this book to a person who wants to “stand with” a person who is suffering. I will support my friends and family by using the information in this book. I have seen myself in the pages of Yancy’s book; I have also been reminded of Hope.

“I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart, and watch to see what He will say to me.” Habakkuk 2:1.

Dave

NOVEMBER 15, 2007

This morning I was in the doldrums, no specific reason, maybe just worn down. It is a beautiful sunny day so I was prepared to visit Kathie, sit alone outside and listen to music in the warm breeze.

When I arrived, the staff pointed me to the lobby area where Kathie was being visited by a mother and her children. We had spoken a few months ago and she asked to visit Kathie after hearing about our accident. She has a gentle heart and has been drawn to visit Kathie regularly, with her children. I walked into the lobby to see this family of seven gathered around Kathie, rubbing her feet, stroking her hair and talking to her… God engineers our circumstances in some unique and amazing ways. I met a four or five year-old blond, named Katherine, who looked like a picture of Kath when she was about the same age. The children gently held up containers of sensory smells, near Kathie's nose, designed to help stimulate brain activity. After talking for a while, they honored my visit and each said good-bye to Kathie as they left. Kathie’s facial muscles were relaxed and she blinked her eyes slowly.

I can believe that this is just circumstance or recognize that God’s Will allowed our lives to be touched by these gentle hearts and voices. I am not suddenly happy but I do hold onto this memory and contemplate a unique joy with a smile.

Thank you,
Dave

NOVEMBER 13, 2007

Sunday morning, Maddie was sick so just Hannah and I went to see Kathie. Hannah had a few questions about her Mom’s brain injury that I patiently answered and then she put her head on Kathie’s lap and gently cried into the pillow. She and I didn’t say anything for a while, just sitting with Kath, as we left we talked about how much we missed her. One of my greatest pains is to see my child in pain, unable to truly relieve it.

In Phillip Yancy's book, “Where is God When It Hurts?” He quotes Nobel Prize winner George Wald, “We somehow hope to live full emotional lives when we carefully expunge the source of the deepest human emotions. When you have no experience of pain, it is rather hard to experience joy.”

Early Monday morning I was reading and Hannah crawled into bed with me, as she lay against my chest, I spoke to the 10 year old about the pain I felt for her the day before. She looked up at me and said, “But Daddy, I know that God is always with me and he will help us.” My pain is put into check when I see where her joy and strength comes from.

In 2 Corinthians 4, verses 7-12 I read:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

As I sat with Kathie on Monday the verse in her room is 2 Corinthians 4:16-17:

Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

Renewed day by day,
Dave & Hannah

NOVEMBER 1, 2007

I know that as you pray for our family and that you lift up Kathie’s medical condition also; here is a general overview of her current condition:

Her hair has turned light brown and brushed back. Both green eyes open and close with some squinting in her right eye, she seems to follow light but I am unsure what she sees, her eyelashes are long and beautiful. Her jaw has loosened considerably as I brush her teeth or rub her jaws, she will open and close her mouth but not with control. Occasionally, she will turn her head to the right or left for no apparent reason. She can be startled by hearing a loud noise and seems to enjoy music when I place earbuds in her ears. The tracheostomy tube has been reduced to the smallest adult size and I am satisfied that she can breathe comfortably. She breathes on her own and receives “blow-by” moist oxygen via a cuff over her trach tube. Her right hand is contracted but with a little stretching of the thumb, her fingers relax, the left hand is less contracted and also relaxes. There is some evidence of a skin rash that started last summer on her arms. A feeding tube provides her hydration and nutrition. Her right leg is flexed but with stretching, will loosen. The left leg is in extension and I can manually flex it during stretching. Thank you for continuing to watch over her in prayer.

The quotes I share from Oswald Chambers are not me preaching to you, the words are a reflection of what I have underlined, thought about or prayed or I'm currently living that day. Here is my portion today:

“Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?”

In January 2006, I saw a friend for the first time since our accident, she said, “David, God really has you in His furnace,” (Isaiah 48:10). Her words caused me to think, no words of sympathy but a reminder that my heartbreak was a part of God’s purposes. I always struggle with the last line of the Chambers quote each time I read it (repeatedly).

Thank you for watching over our family in prayer,
Dave

OCTOBER 30, 2007

As I drove to work today, I passed the intersection of our accident, I looked at the small field where the helicopter landed then I started remembering sights and sounds. I felt weary and a sense of sadness recalling memories of that day. Whenever I feel sad I have a checklist I go through, did I eat? how did I sleep? Some days I just carry the sadness and go through the day.

At lunchtime I went to see Kath and arrived just as a group activity was completing, I thanked the nurses and took Kathie back to her room. As we sat by ourselves, I noticed that she looked tired so I started rubbing her neck and in a few moments, she fell asleep. I continued to sit with her, just looking at her face then kissing her lips and saying good-bye.

To live this life from day to day takes balance: “Faith in active opposition to common sense is mistaken enthusiasm and narrow-mindedness, and common sense in opposition to faith demonstrates a mistaken reliance on reason as the basis for truth. The life of faith brings the two of these into the proper relationship.” Oswald Chambers.

I do feel sad today but I know that my core joy will help me overcome (smile).

Dave

OCTOBER 25, 2007

Due to the California Fires, we were evacuated on Monday. The girls and I spent the morning packing pictures, albums, clothes, computer, dog food, bibles and my well-worn book My Utmost for His Highest. In 2003, we evacuated because of the Cedar Fire that destroyed many of our neighbors’ homes, so we understood the packing process. As I gathered all the pictures and albums, it became an exercise of family memories on top of the evacuation stress. As in 2003, I had no problem leaving the house, everyone important was safe, pictures of the past were packed and every “thing” else just was not that important. As we pulled out of our garage, Madison said, “Wait, don’t forget the picture above your workbench!” Andy had taken a picture of Kathie and me the summer she created a “tiki bar” for me in our backyard. That was the last memory we took as we headed to my parent’s house.

Hannah and I spent the night in the guest bedroom where we had stayed in the days following our accident, again with the memories. I remember her saying the night of our accident, "Daddy, if you need anything, I'll get it." She had stitches in her ear, witnessed the accident and was on crutches but her caring nature was still very much intact.

Tuesday I was with Kathie for 3 hours, I clipped and filed her finger and toenails while listening to the fire reports along with stretching her joints. Around 1 pm, I heard our evacuation was over and went to pick up the girls. My parents have been very helpful and I told them that I would recommend them as an “evacuation destination.” The afternoon was a reverse exercise of memories as Maddie and I put the pictures back in place.

Oswald Chambers wrote for October 24:

“The proper perspective to maintain is that we are here for only one purpose— to be captives marching in the procession of Christ’s triumphs. We are not on display in God’s showcase— we are here to exhibit only one thing— the "captivity [of our lives] to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).”

Last night I sat with Kath rubbing her neck, she was very relaxed. There are times when I look into her eyes and I feel very close to her, then I tell her how beautiful she is. I kissed her goodnight and headed home.

It is one thing for me to realize that God is engineering my circumstances but quite another for our community to recognize that God engineers all our circumstances. I pray for our families who struggle in these fires.

Dave Jones

OCTOBER 19, 2007

Visits with Kathie this week were good, her health is good and each time I saw her she looked relaxed. From my writings, you understand how important her comfort is. I pray for the wisdom to be a strong advocate for Kath.

Last night, in the early morning hours, I prayed for about an hour. I prayed, for Kathie, our children and you. Many times, I wonder why I write and then a card came from a friend who thanked me for writing on the website. He explained that when he felt the stress of college he read and prayed for us. When I write I don’t know who is reading or their circumstances but I realize that God continues to “engineer our circumstances” and right now I am still called to write. My young friend was one of my prayers in the early morning.

This is an interesting reminder from Oswald Chambers,

“The great enemy of the Lord Jesus Christ today is the idea of practical work that has no basis in the New Testament but comes from the systems of the world. This work insists upon endless energy and activities, but no private life with God.”

As I read this last night and again early this morning, I remembered the importance of my own quiet time with God. He wrote this in the early 1900’s and it is relevant today.

Dave

OCTOBER 12, 2007

Soon, we will be reaching the two-year mark for Kathie’s transfer from Sharp Memorial to Sharp Coronado Subacute. It is hard to believe that she was at Memorial for a month and a half before being transferred. I remember signing paperwork as she was transferred including a DNR Order (do not resuscitate) to avoid unnecessary pain and procedures for Kath, then trying to talk to my brother Craig… while crying as I walked to the parking lot. I have never considered that “I” was keeping her alive; with my hands open, I have always let God have His way. I find it strange how different aspects of this ordeal come to mind.

The Charge Nurse you have been praying for was in today. For the first time in months, she didn’t wear a turban and her hair is starting to grow back. I said, “I thought you were blond,” she laughed out loud, my friend is Asian. She still receives daily treatments before coming to work.

Today when I arrived, Kathie had finished listening to a special music presentation so I wheeled her back to the room, gave her a big hug and kissed her. Time went by quickly and I had to go back to work, it took a long time for me to finally say good-bye, I miss her everyday.

The reading for today by Oswald Chambers is well underlined and highlighted with different colors: The true test of a person’s spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing tremendous or exciting happening. A person’s worth is revealed in his attitude toward the ordinary things of life when he is not under the spotlight (see John 1:35-37 and John 3:30). It is painful work to get in step with God and to keep pace with Him— it means getting your second wind spiritually…

Getting into God’s stride means nothing less than oneness with Him. It takes a long time to get there, but keep at it. Don’t give up because the pain is intense right now— get on with it, and before long you will find that you have a new vision and a new purpose. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 12.

In my second wind,
Dave

OCTOBER 3, 2007

Romans 8:26-28 from The Message. This is the verse on the flip chart in Kathie’s room today, I stood next to her this morning reading it out loud:

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves… and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

In faith and with wordless sighs,
Dave

OCTOBER 2, 2007

“I wonder what finger and thumb God has been using to squeeze you?”

“We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life— those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength. Yet our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain…

…There is a terrible trap in always asking, "What’s the use of this experience?" We can never measure spiritual matters in that way. The moments on the mountaintop are rare moments, and they are meant for something in God’s purpose.”

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Sept. 30 and Oct. 1.

Last week was very tough, I don’t know why but by Sunday I took an afternoon nap, one of those deep sleeps, it took me a while to wake up. On Tuesday Kathie and I sat outside, she squinted so I put my sunglasses over her eyes. Saturday evening our schedules allowed me to sit with her for 3 hours. A noise from the television program startled her; I have seen this reaction before from light switches and other noises. I am hypersensitive to her comfort and movements so I ask her, “Why do you move that way?” Many times, I experience the “trap” by sounding like the Chambers question, “What’s the use of this experience?”

Responding to the September 22 entry, I received this email from Katie: “Hey...I was reading the update today and something jumped out at me... part of daily life I don’t think I do any of the parts especially well, by God’s strength I keep doing.

I just wanted to say that I think you are doing extremely well. I see the girls and they are so happy. The transition that they have gone through I know is hard but they both have handled it so well! I am proud of them and I know you are also. Mom would be so proud of you also. She and I both know how hard it is to be a single parent but neither of us had to be a single parent due to the loss of our loved one. I can only imagine how much more difficult that is for you. You are doing an amazing job with the girls and you can see it each time they look at you with the admiration that they do. Keep up the good work dad. I'll talk to you soon. Love, Katie”

Treasured words words from our adult child.

1 Peter 5:10 So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. A verse my Dad prays for me.

David

SEPTEMBER 22, 2007

When I don’t write, I hope you know that this life is just the same. When I see Kath, I still talk, touch, brush, stretch and kiss her. I live this life in segmented timeslots, the girls, work, visiting Kathie and play are a part of daily life I don’t think I do any of the parts especially well, by God’s strength I keep doing. I write a lot of reminders. Thursday night I went to visit Maddie’s high school, excited to see this new part of her life and deeply missing sharing this with Kathie.

The verse in Kathie’s room on the 20th was 1 Corinthians 10:13, I’ve been thinking of this verse for the last few days. “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.”

Tonight, the girls went to the baseball game and spent the night with friends. I spent 3 hours with Kathie. Both her eyes were open and she gently blinks. I moved to the other side of the bed and was caught off guard as both her eyes seemed to be focused on me, innocently looking up, looking to me. I said something; my voice cracked and I cried briefly, then kissed her forehead. Sometimes I stop moving around, hold her hand and watch the television occasionally interrupted by the nursing staff.

I do believe and live that, “…God will never let you down…he'll always be there to help you come through it.”
Amen,
Dave

SEPTEMBER 18, 2007

“Lead on, O King eternal, we follow, not with fears, for gladness breaks like morning where'er thy face appears. Thy cross is lifted o'er us, we journey in its light; the crown awaits the conquest; lead on, O God of might.” A song that lifted my spirits today.

In the last week, I’ve spoken with friends going through some tough times. Last Sunday, I told a friend that his plight had been on my heart and I had prayed for him. He responded that he had been praying for me during his painful week. Another friend has been “offered” a job exit package and during this time, he wrote to encourage me. A favorite saying of non-church attendees is that “the church is full of hypocrites.” Yes and the church is full of people who are supported and give support as they walk through this life. In an email to a friend who lost his father I wrote, “I can't imagine going through this life without our Faith and good friends.” My friend responded with,”Faith, that despite how we may feel, God is indeed in control… Friends, of course, are those that God puts in our lives to serve and to be served by.” Two ladies played violin and cello at Kathie’s bedside this week. The nursing staff saw the church at work.

When I focus inward because I am tired of this struggle, I look around and see so many people standing with us. Thank you.

“Lead on, O God of might”
Dave

SEPTEMBER 11, 2007

September 11, 2005 as I was driving to the hospital to see Kathie, I could not figure out why all the American flags lined the road. I was still in such a deep fog that I barely knew what day it was. We are flying our flag at home today in support of our country and our troops.

I’m not sure why but since last Friday, Kathie’s eyes have had more movement. I was with her on Saturday and observed this again. Sunday, Hannah thought her Mom was tracking with the TV in the room. Today the student nurses commented that she seemed relaxed with both eyes open. I am sharing this with you because it is part of the ups-and-downs of our journey. My response is not a judgment of what I see but an acknowledgement because I have no idea what I am watching. It made me think of this passage:

“Watch with Me." Jesus was saying, in effect, "Watch with no private point of view at all, but watch solely and entirely with Me…” Our Lord is trying to introduce us to identification with Himself through a particular "Gethsemane" experience of our own. But we refuse to go, saying, "No, Lord, I can’t see the meaning of this, and besides, it’s very painful." And how can we possibly watch with Someone who is so incomprehensible? Oswald Chambers writing about Matthew 26:38, My Utmost for His Highest, September 5.

Sunday morning, during our visit, I watched Hannah gently wipe Kathie’s mouth with a towel and speak softy to her, a very gentle, humbling sight.

Watching with Christ,
Dave

SEPTEMBER 5, 2007

Two years.
Today, the route I drive home will take me again by the site of our accident.

Today though, Madison has fully recovered from her injuries, no side effects from her pelvic fracture and surgery. She has participated in gymnastics, played beach volleyball and is very active. Hannah recovered quickly from her sprained ankle; she has also participated in gymnastics and currently is playing soccer. Andy is stronger than I have ever seen him, working in gardening and enjoying the outdoors, though he still has not recovered from the herniated disk. The children have each rebuilt their lives physically, mentally and spiritually. Katie lives in the east county, she has settled into a job. This year Audrey started the 4th Grade.

Sadly, Kathie will remain disabled, she has healed from collapsed lungs, spleenectomy and a lacerated liver but she will not heal from the traumatic brain injury. We are vigilant about keeping her comfortable and loved. This morning, I raised up her hospital bed, put my head against hers and said, “I love you.” Then I cupped the back of her head in my hand and massaged as she fell asleep. We each have missed her for these two years.

The term “Choose Joy” came from an author and speaker I heard in college. By Choosing Joy in Christ, I am able to continue caring for my family and living this life. Without Joy, I would never have any true happiness in my life. I know many people, who do not carry the cross we bear, who have no joy and will never find a lasting happiness. My fervent hope is that these writings encourage a response to faith in Christ, otherwise this story is just a compounded tragedy. John 15:13 is not about death, but about living day to day focusing outside of myself, trying hard to “lay down my life” in a difficult life situation, as God calls me to do. Without Joy, I cannot find any true happiness in this life.

With you, waiting upon the Lord,
Dave, Kathie, Andy, Madison, Hannah, Katie and Audrey

SEPTEMBER 4, 2007

Thank you to all who wrote, hugged, said or did not know what to say, I appreciate that this is a difficult time for you as well. Many of you miss Kathie and I recognize your loss also, Labor Day weekend has been changed for many of us. The girls do not hold onto this anniversary as tightly as I do, they are supportive but focused on the end of summer, friends and the start of school.

Before our accident, I read devotionals and scripture for knowledge, today I am dependent on this type of reading to make it through the day. I prepared for this weekend Saturday morning by re-reading a sermon, readings from My Utmost for His Highest and praying for God’s grace to make it through. Throughout the days, I find myself going back to the Bible or my other books.

Habakkuk 2: 1-3 (NASB):
1 I will stand on my guard post and station myself on the rampart; and I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me, and how I may reply when I am reproved. 2 Then the LORD answered me and said, record the vision and inscribe it on tablets that the one who reads it may run. 3 "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.

“Faith never gives up. It knows that despite appearances, all is well. It can wait without signs or significant indications that God is at work, because it is sure of Him.” Our Daily Bread, July 29, 2006.

Saturday I sat with Kathie for quite a while, wondering how sad I would be, melancholy was a better description. As I left, I could feel my eyebrows narrowed, no thoughts just feeling the weight. Monday I would have liked to slip in unnoticed but the nurses were having a potluck so I sat with Kathie eating a plate of food, each one of the nursing staff wants to make sure I don’t starve. I appreciate their care of our whole family.

School began today; Hannah started school on Safety Patrol duty, her 5th Grade year and Madison was off to High School, I took the traditional first day pictures we’ve always taken. Watching their growth, I do see signs that God is at work, I am grateful. Walking on Sunday, the girls held my hand and said, “It was a good summer, thank you for everything you did, thank you Daddy.”

“…though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come… it will not delay.”

Dave

AUGUST 30, 2007

From my last entry, I thought I should explain that the Pump efficiently moves medicine, to a specific site, within Kathie’s body. A supply of medication is stored in the pump itself, in Kathie's case; a 3-month supply is stored and administered. The insurance company approved the Pump surgery but only two post-surgical visits were approved. This meant that no refill visits were approved (hum) and needed to be corrected. In my advice last entry, I forgot to mention that I say, "thank-you," all the time, I even called back the insurance company case worker to thank her, many people pay closer attention to Kathie's care because I thank them.

I delivered a summer bouquet of flowers to Kathie’s room yesterday; 15 years ago, we were married. I thought about the struggles we put into blending a family, raising infants and teenagers, saving to buy our house. I told her, “You just keep getting prettier.” We went through our routine but I also took time to sit with her quietly holding her hand. Because of the hand contractures, it takes some effort but it is well worth it and I enjoy feeling the warmth of her hand.

The chorus of the song, Here I Am Lord, kept going through my mind:
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.

“For better, for worse, for keeps”
David and Katherine Jones

AUGUST 24, 2007

I just received word that “approval” has been given for a doctor to refill Kathie’s Baclofen Pump. In the big scheme of life, this is a very small victory but after 3 months of worrying and seeing only problems and denials with this procedure, I am very happy. My advice, go to the source of money, the insurance company, find a case worker, tell the story, call again in a few days, tell the story until a sympathetic ear can be found, be professional and pray.

While driving home from visiting Kathie the other day, I heard Dr. David Jeremiah speaking on Romans 8:37 ... in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. He emphasized and I have been thinking about the meaning of the words “more than.” In Christ, in God’s timing… someday, I will be more than a conqueror, more than victorious… a nice promise to hold onto.

We are "approved,"
Dave

AUGUST 22, 2007

I visited Kathie this morning and she felt warm so I wiped her face, arms and shoulders with a damp towel. Then hung up her gowns, brushed her teeth, stretched her legs and massaged her neck muscles. Pretty much the same routine we have kept for almost two years. When it was time for me to go, I kissed her forehead to check her temperature. I could smell her hair and feel the memories… “I love you.” Her face was relaxed, the damp towel was on her forehead and I told her to “rest easy.”

Tuesday night before bed I was reading: “Hope makes patience possible because it gives us the confidence that our wait is not in vain. Hope believes that this God of love, power and wisdom is on our side. It exults in the knowledge that, in the delays of life, he knows exactly what he is doing. If he moves quickly, it is for our good; if he moves slowly, it is for our good. No matter how things look to us, God is the complete master of the situation…” Ben Patterson, Waiting, p. 168.

Waiting in Hope,
Dave

AUGUST 15, 2007

Sunday the girls sat with Kathie in her bed watching the TV. Hannah leaning against her mom’s shoulder, Maddie leaning against her knees. I was again an observer to this amazing and perplexing picture. Maddie said, “This is the way I like to visit, just us.”

I have been feeling very taxed and fatigued this week. I am reading a book by Charles Stanley, God Is In Control for the third time, a friend gave this to me after the accident. I sometimes feel that I am just not getting what God is teaching. I act like a student trying to give the right answers so I can move on to the next class and be done with this Cross. I gather strength from reading, praying to live in God's grace another day and wondering if I am missing the "still small voice."

The verse in Kathie’s room yesterday was from Isaiah 41:10 Msg.

Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

My time is not God’s time.
Dave

AUGUST 10, 2007

Thursday the girls and I were able to have lunch together, they kept thanking me for taking time during the workday to have lunch with them. I walked by a woman who was wearing a perfume that Kathie used to wear. During lunch, the girls and I laughed and joked talking about silly things and their summer fun. As we were leaving lunch, Hannah said, “my nose itches, guess I’m going to kiss a fool,” that was something Kathie would say, usually followed by “come here David” while laughing. The girls and I talked about those odd sayings of Mom. They were spending the afternoon and night with friends so there were heightened good-byes and kisses when I dropped them off.

After work, I was able to spend over two hours with Kath. After brushing her teeth, I massaged her gums; she seems to like this better than brushing and relaxes her jaws. I also worked my hands behind her back and she closed her eyes as if to say, “that’s the spot,” this also causes her arms to relax. The rash on her forearm is still there despite the medicine, I added calamine lotion to the blisters, it sometimes bugs the nurses that I am adding a remedy but it reminds them that it has been 8 weeks now and I am the advocate for her. Sometimes after all the activity, in a darkening room, I just lean against the wall and look at her. Watching yawns, eye blinks, arm movement and then saying, “Katherine, you are so beautiful.”

I came home to an empty house with the dog very happy to see me, Hannah called to make sure I was all right and they both said goodnight. Before bed, I read the following passage for August 10 from My Utmost for His Highest.

Let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good… 1 Peter 4:19.

"…Look at God’s incredible waste of His saints, according to the world’s judgment. God seems to plant His saints in the most useless places. And then we say, "God intends for me to be here because I am so useful to Him." Yet Jesus never measured His life by how or where He was of the greatest use. God places His saints where they will bring the most glory to Him, and we are totally incapable of judging where that may be."

Only glory to God,
Dave

AUGUST 7, 2007

As I woke Hannah up Saturday morning, her sleepy, soft voice recounted her dream. In the dark she dreamt that Kathie came home, “not in a wheel chair but walked through the front door. What do you think God was trying to tell me?” I fumbled for a, “sweetheart, sometimes our dreams are what we wish for.” She said, “I was feeling worried (from the dream) so I prayed to God that he would take care of Mom, then I went back to sleep.”

Don’t try to answer her question but listen to her voice and let it sink in. The Sunday School hour is full of biblical stories of dreams, clouds, fire and people hearing the voice of God. My little theologian lives a child-life dependent on God’s care. Do I believe the stories or am I sending my daughter to childcare for an hour. We read the story of Hannah (1 Samuel) the Sunday morning our Hannah was due to be born.

From Oswald Chambers August 7, My Utmost for His Highest: “. . . they found Him in the temple . . . . And He said to them, ’. . . Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?’ —Luke 2:46, 49. Our Lord’s childhood was not immaturity waiting to grow into manhood— His childhood is an eternal fact. Am I a holy, innocent child of God as a result of my identification with my Lord and Savior? Do I look at my life as being in my Father’s house? Is the Son of God living in His Father’s house within me?

Sunday Madison said, “would you be mad if I didn’t go in (to the hospital)?” I told her she could wait in the car and I was glad she could think it through and talk to me. I ran my fingers through Kathie's hair and kissed her cheek. Hannah wiped tears away as she talked to her Mom and said good-bye. Emotionally this beats us all down, Hannah and I took an hour nap that afternoon.

“…we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities.” August 5, My Utmost for His Highest.

We do live in “the compelling purpose of God,”
Dave, Madison and Hannah

AUGUST 1, 2007

“…The Lord will plant His cross smack dab in the middle of our lives and it is up to us then to Choose Joy in the midst of that challenge and that sacrifice. On this side of eternity, the Lord says, “Take up a cross and follow me” and on this wedding day, filled with Joy, I think it is good for us to acknowledge that there is something that cannot be taken away from you. That Joy cannot be taken away from you. Job said, “My joy, in this unrelenting pain, that I have not denied the words of my Holy One.” (Job 6:10).

So this Joy cannot be taken away… happiness may... but Joy cannot.” (Doug’s meditation on wedding Joy, 3/10/07)

Madison turned 14 last Saturday, starting High School this year, I remember when.... She and a friend took me along to the mall (only because the credit card is in my name). After listening to their stories about clothes, I showed them the wrench I bought using the same words they used to describe clothes. Madison’s friend laughed at me (as opposed to with me) and said, “He’s just like my dad.” We celebrated with the rest of our family that evening. A few weeks ago, she walked towards me and I thought I saw Kathie; she is quite a young lady.

Early Saturday morning I went to see Kath and tell her what I had planned for Maddie’s birthday. Stretching, brushing teeth and rubbing her neck, while making sure she was comfortable, then I had to leave. Most visits are not satisfying, time seems to go by quickly and it is time to kiss her good-bye.

Friday, I took our granddaughter Audrey and the girls to Sea World, spending the afternoon with them. Watching them get soaked by splashing whales, screaming on rides and laughing. I always carry the memory of Kathie and it takes work to accept those memories while staying a tune with this life and enjoying the girls, they are fun.

I am still amazed at the encouragement you send; I still receive messages from friends all over the county and last week, Baghdad. We are continually strengthened and appreciate your prayers. I write to you on this website as evidence of Christ’s strength in us. Again, if this were just another human-interest story I think I would have grown tired of reading it, I know I get tired of the repetition. Last week, a friend visiting from Montana thanked me for continuing to write, I realize we are all strengthened by one another’s stories. I remember to thank God for you as I pray for you, outside of our story.

Still Choosing Joy each day,
Dave

JULY 24, 2007

The girls are enjoying their summer nanny and always on the move. Volleyball, beach, gymnastics, swimming, rock climbing gym and passes to Sea World. I still can’t leave Kathie to vacation but what a great place to stay put, someday we will go on vacation again.

Kathie has been in three different rooms since the hospital fire and I have been patient about her room assignments. For 19 months, I’ve walked down the same hall to the same room, now she is in Room 128, sub-acute 1, still at Coronado Hospital. I am handling the “administrative changes” because she has good care and is comfortable. I brushed her teeth today as she listened to Andrea Bocelli with earbuds and then stretched her legs.

"If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go." Psalm 91: 9-11 (New Living Translation) I read this verse to Kathie today, then I added out loud, “Wherever you go… where are you Kath?” Verse 11 was quoted by Satan to Jesus in the wilderness (Matthew 4:6). I believe that God is with her and protecting her.

Life has been very busy these last few weeks, When I wake up, most mornings, I ask to live another day in God’s Grace because I don’t have the strength. I am worn down as this race continues.

Dave

JULY 18, 2007

Early this morning a small electrical fire in the main hospital caused a shut down of power to the sub-acute facility where Kathie is staying. She was moved across the street to a long term care facility and by the time I arrived she was relaxed and sleeping soundly. From my perspective, the evacuation and subsequent care has been great.

Now that the bachlophen pump has been installed, we are struggling to find a doctor to maintain the medication level. This is the business side of medicine, doctors who are qualified may not want to accept our insurance so our search continues and your prayers are appreciated.

Last week two ladies from our church gave Kathie a manicure and pedicure. They were finishing up and I was able to sit with them. I have promised, “In sickness and in health,” but I am amazed to hear what people gain from their visit. I don’t pressure anyone to visit, it is an individual decision. One lady visits early Sunday morning before church, a teacher reads to her, and a woman I don’t know stops at each doorway, praying softly for the patients. By our world standards, they shouldn’t gain anything but sorrow, which can happen. I also know that many people who visit also have members of their own family who have major health issues yet they look outside themselves, I am blessed by watching these servants.

Saturday evening I attended a wedding reception; this kind of event has “costs” involved. I enjoy celebrating with friends and family while feeling very alone without Kathie. As I was leaving I decided to go by and say goodnight. I was grateful I could spend 5 minutes with her just to give her a kiss and run my fingers through her hair.

“When we come into the House of the Lord we want to be reminded that we serve a risen Savior and Lord who is sovereign over every aspect of our lives. We commit ourselves in dependence upon that Lord... For some of us that requires a far greater degree of consciousness it would seem because of the circumstances we are going through. I sometimes wonder if we should ever really ask that circumstances that make us much more dependent on the Lord be removed from us. I know that often times we do pray to that affect, the very thing that is making us much more conscious of the Lord is the thing we pray to be removed from us, an interesting dynamic. Worship does remind us of our dependence on the Lord.” Doug Webster, Sunday, July 15, 2006

Dave

JULY 11, 2007

Andy (24) returned from Forest Home Christian Camp as a counselor for 2nd and 3rd grade boys and they all had a great time. I was going to give him a “dad lecture” about working and saving his money instead of going to camp but I realized that you can't go to FH without building on your faith, so I supported the trip. During the trip and the week following, he has had some time to think about his life, faith and direction.

I’ve written about brushing Kathie’s teeth over the last few months; we recently moved from a sponge brush to a child’s size toothbrush along with a fluoride gel from my dentist. She relaxes her mouth as I massage her neck and seems to enjoy the activity. I am very close to her face while doing this and continue to let her know how much I love her and how pretty she is.

I know that your family continues to support our family; I know that you pray for us, thank you. I have learned to pray for people who uphold us, asking that they recognize God's presence in their lives.

Dave

JULY 6, 2007

Last Saturday I visited a 94 year old friend, she is a ghost of her past self. I almost didn’t recognize her since we hadn’t seen each other in two years. I used to call or visit her once a week, she lost hearing and our accident happened, leaving little time for me to stop by her care facility. She held my hand and when she spoke I knew my old friend's voice. I prayed for her and kissed her good-bye. As I walked away I thought about long and short lives, God’s plan and path, no answers just recognizing God’s sovereignty as my day plays out. The girls had waited outside and were wrestling.

We ran in the 4th of July community fun run and enjoyed seeing neighbors. Then a parade, cooking hamburgers and seeing family, I wasn’t able to make it over to see Kathie. I balanced the day and kept my desire to sit with Kath in the back of my mind, “Thursday.”

As her advocate:
The bachlophen pump seems to be doing its job, while massaging Kathie’s arms and legs I have noticed some looseness and flexibility. Her wrists are contracted but her fingers show some loosening. The staff is positioning her to extend muscles, which I pray continues to comfort her.

I brush her teeth, clean her ears, massage muscles, loosen toes, the girls picked out a new brush. She seems to enjoy slow brush movement through her hair. My mom was a big help by picking out 3 new gowns and hemming the backs, much appreciated.

The rash I mentioned has turned out to be scabies (Scabies is an infestation of the skin with the microscopic mite. Scabies spreads rapidly where there is frequent skin-to-skin contact between people, such as in hospitals and nursing homes). Kathie, her unit and nurses have all been treated.

As I was getting ready to leave, I very gently ran the back of my fingers over her forehead, she seemed to relax further and close her eyes in appreciation.

I underlined this passage from last year: “…God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that so many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we will only have patience…” Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 6.

Dave

JUNE 28, 2007

Last night, Hannah, Madison and I had dinner with friends. On the way, we drove through the intersection of our accident. Maddie commented about the number of times Mom had driven her to gymnastics through that intersection. Hannah added, “Yea and we were always 3 minutes late.” This started a discussion about the thoughts we have each time we pass through the intersection.

I let them know that I had been eyeing a motor home in the lane that the fire tanker truck came from; the large shape had caught my eye. My senses are heightened each time we go through that intersection. Maddie talked about the facial injuries she received and how she thought her tooth was broken; it turned out to be a piece of glass from a shattered window in her mouth. She talked about how Andy was sitting next to her and didn’t see the truck coming.

During the first six months after the accident I don’t think I took a full breath, I would wait for the telephone to ring, my cell phone was never turned off, then I felt dread when it did ring. I lived prayer… I prayed constantly since being put into the ambulance, grasping at my lifelong faith, especially since this life had overwhelmed me to the core. I thought non-stop about Kathie, the children, the future, second guessing every decision and questioning my ability to lead our family without her counsel. By saying that I thought non-stop, I mean that my brain was constantly processing everything I experienced from the time I heard the “pop” of the airbag. Kathie’s treatment transitioned from healing to “comfort” and I could see the questions in your eyes. God took me beyond my fears into unimaginable sorrow filled with dark, painful questions and decisions. Since I believe that Hell is separation from God, I knew I wasn’t in Hell, I was not beyond the reach of my Heavenly Father.

How do I know that I am following God’s will? Evidence is in front of me each day, I see God’s hand in the faith of Andy, Madison and Hannah. I watch the girls walk into a Sub-acute hospital, kiss their mother, struggle with their loss and then engage in fulfilled lives. I can sit in the sun with Kathie and appreciate just holding her hand. The fruits of the spirit are listed in Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV), here are the words from The Message:

“But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.”

We live daily in God’s Grace and "His Grace is sufficient" for today. Tomorrow morning, I’ll again pray for God’s Grace.

Dave

JUNE 26, 2007

This writing from Oswald Chambers was especially important to me yesterday:

“We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering _are_, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them.

Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me…” My Utmost for His Highest, June 25.

Yesterday the girls and I said good-bye to family friends because they are moving out of state. We met the mom and daughters on September 5th, 2005; they were returning from back-to-school shopping and came upon our accident seconds after impact. Her daughters remained in the van praying for us while Laura sat comforting Hannah; she has such vivid memories of my movements around the accident scene, the screams and cries of the girls, the firemen caring for Andy. Since the accident, I have coached Anna with Hannah in soccer and watched Maddie and Maggie promoting from middle school together (I like the similarity of their names). They have kept our family in their prayers and been very supportive, we can’t think of Scott, Laura and their daughters without smiling. When they brought us dinner after the accident, I had no idea who they were, now we will never forget each other. Your Family has been a blessing to us, thank you.

I’ll sit with Kathie at lunch time today.
Dave

JUNE 20, 2007

Yesterday I did my best to celebrate Madison’s promotion into High School. Milestones like this cause memories to flood in and I didn’t really want to write about this day. I have seen her begin 7th Grade in a wheelchair and now walk across a stage looking beautiful and strong, I am blessed.

I embarrassed Hannah by driving by her “squad” during Safety Patrol and waving to her as she was assigned to the last day of school. She smiled holding the red pole and clutching the whistle in her teeth.

This morning, Kathie was asleep so I ran my fingers through her hair and gently kissed her lips. I met the new student nurse, letting him know that I am her husband and she likes to be called “Kathie.”

May 22nd I talked about praying Psalm 91:14-16, I have continued but I have changed the tense of the verse to plural as I pray it for Kathie also:

14 "Because they love me," says the LORD, "I will rescue them;
I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name.
15 They will call upon me, and I will answer them;
I will be with them in trouble,
I will deliver them and honor them.
16 With long life will I satisfy them and show them my salvation."

Last night, I began praying “intercessory prayers” for friends and family, something I’ve learned from Oswald Chambers’ writings. I can’t imagine a life without Faith.

Dave

JUNE 14, 2007

Tuesday I sat with Kathie outside, enjoying the sounds and enjoying sitting with her, holding her hand.

Today the Hospital Chaplin spoke to a gathering of patients, she is very good with her “congregation” and her text was: Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV) "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Reminding many unresponsive patients of their worth to God.

Earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend who cared for his child for many, many years in a sub-acute facility. He has empathy learned from this kind of life experience and he understands doing your best to keep a loved one comfortable. He is a man at peace and I appreciated the peace he imparted to me.

“I love [Kathie] but God loves her more.”

May our Lord accomplish His purpose,
Dave

JUNE 8, 2007

My Wednesday schedule was thrown off by taking Hannah's 4th Grade class to a Julian Gold Mine Tour. Attending fieldtrips and volunteering at the girl’s school was always a high priority for Kathie, I have continued her tradition of helping on fieldtrips.

I wasn't able to see Kathie until late afternoon. The Pump surgery seems to have loosened Kathie's joints and I see it as a success. She has some blisters that formed on her stomach because of the surgery dressing but the staff is watching her healing. I raised her bed up so I could put my head against hers and gently stroked her head with my right hand and her arm with my left hand, caresses that don't carry the same response.

Thursday we went outside and sat in the sunshine, it was warm enough to uncover her feet and let the breeze blow over her skin. I made sure to bring her hat and avoid red skin plus the ire of the nurses.

Today we were inside and I stroked her hair to the point where she almost fell back asleep. Her facial muscles were relaxed as I kissed her good-bye.

The other night I was talking with friends and one reminded me, “miracles happen,” I thanked him for the encouragement and continued with, “miracles happen to glorify God and in his time.” I appreciate the care of so many of you who encourage each of us.

The end in “faithfulness to the end” may seem like a long ways off… but it is the only end that is really worth pursuing.” Doug Webster, The Essential Wilderness, 1/29/06

Dave

June 1, 2007

We just completed Kathie’s transfer back to Coronado from Sharp Memorial. The surgery went well and she had a restful night. I always talk with her nurses about pain, because Kathie can’t verbally communicate, I make sure that they understand facial responses, neck or shoulder tension along with blood pressure and heart rate changes. They are all professionals but I don’t assume anything when it comes to her care.

I was at Sharp Memorial early for her arrival by ambulance, there was a glitch and she didn’t have a hospital bed assigned so we “bounced” around a little, her scheduled surgery was back to 10 am. Because of previous trips, we are recognized and greeted by surgical and floor staff, they took great care of Kathie. When the surgery nurse tells me, “you can say good-bye now,” I get caught off guard, choked up, smile, then kiss Kathie and say “I love you.”

By early evening, Kathie was situated in her room, I sat staring at her, listening, because I didn’t have any words to pray. I kissed her good night and let her know that she would be traveling sometime Friday. I checked out with a floor nurse who had cared for Kath before, she is a Christian who prays for her patients.

Thank you for all your prayers,
Dave & Kathie

May 30, 2007

Sunday I watch quietly as Hannah hugged Kathie good-bye and then whispered in her ear. As we walked to the car, she walked ahead of us, which is strange since she normally ends up behind Maddie and I or
holding my hand. She thinks deeply and this good-bye hug caused her to be quiet all I could do was watch her.

My brother Dan and his family were in town, he and I sat with Kathie for an hour. I am blessed to have a great relationship with both my brothers, I benefit from their closeness and counsel. Dan and I talked about the “costs” we encounter in the Christian life, I recognized the cost to Hannah, she doesn’t hold back in her love of Kathie. I pray for the faith of Katie, Audrey, Andy, Madison, and Hannah.

We are now through a variety of roadblocks and Thursday at 7 am (rescheduled from 10 am); Kathie will have the Baclofen Implant surgery that we did the trial for last September. A hockey puck size pump will
be place in her abdomen allowing a dose of Baclofen to be administered into her cerebral-spinal fluid. Baclofen is a muscle relaxant relieving spasm, pain and stiffness. This surgery is consistent with my goal of keeping Kathie comfortable. She will be in the hospital overnight.

Lord, I will follow You, but . . . —Luke 9:61 Suppose God tells you to do something that is an enormous test of your common sense, totally going against it. What will you do? ...

If a person is ever going to do anything worthwhile, there will be times when he must risk everything by his leap in the dark. In the spiritual realm, Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or
believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, May 30.

Dave

MAY 22, 2007

Friday night I began praying Psalm 91:14-16, over and over, as a reminder. Each line holds great promises:

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Sunday after church, I massaged Kathie's neck, kissed her forehead and she looked at me as if to say, "thank you, that was nice." The girls and I talked about how we care for Mom even though we don't know what she understands. Madison said, "We care for her like she cared for us, we know what she would like."

Today, Kathie’s Charge Nurse and our friend returned to work at the Sub-acute Unit. She was very thankful for our prayers and support. I am concerned about her health; please remember her as she continues treatment.

A student nurse stopped by Kathie’s room to say good-bye; she is beginning her next rotation and said that she would especially miss Kath. Kathie touches lives by her presence; I pray that they see Christ in her life.

I kissed Kathie good-bye and told her she looked beautiful today.
Dave

MAY 16, 2007

This morning I brushed Kathie’s hair, massaged her legs and later brushed her teeth. She looked relaxed as I kissed her good-bye.

First Peter 4:12 says, "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you . . . ." Rise to the occasion—do what the trial demands of you. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the opportunity to manifest the life of Jesus in your body… *May God not find complaints in us (me) anymore*, but spiritual vitality—a readiness to face anything He brings our way. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, May 15.

I continue to thank God for you as you pray and encourage each of us,
Dave

MAY 14, 2007

Saturday, I filed, trimmed and painted Kathie’s toenails. The LVN laughed and asked if I was going into business. “Only for my girl.”

Madison returned from her 8 day trip to Washington DC, Philadelphia and New York. She looked older and taller, we missed her very much. It is had to be separated since the accident, I was very happy to see her enjoy a trip that Kathie and I worked hard to support.

Sunday Morning, Hannah, Madison and I read out loud Kathie’s Mother’s Day Cards to her. Hannah hadn’t been feeling well; we missed church so the girls could sleep and rest. Katie and Audrey, Andy, the girls and I all met for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Late in the afternoon I returned to see Kathie and sit with her. The nurses had prepared food and asked if I wanted something to drink. They are always trying to feed me so a plate of food and drink quickly followed. They are an amazing group who take care of sub-acute patients. I couldn’t be away from the girls long but I made sure that Kathie knew how thankful I am for the way she mothered our children.

Sunday night I went to bed with Hannah’s tears on my t-shirt. We celebrate while missing her so much. We prayed, thanking God for Mom, watching over her and guiding us.
Dave

MAY 10, 2007

Kathie and I didn’t make it outside today, so instead I stretched and flexed her legs, rubbed her neck and checked a rash she has developed on her left hand.

Last week I was able to talk with a friend who has a tracheotomy. She answered my questions and helped me understand a trach from a patient’s standpoint. The reduction of the diameter size of Kathie’s trach has gone well and she seems to be adjusting fine. I will work with her doctor on the next size reduction in the coming weeks.

As I massaged her neck, I let her know just how beautiful she is as I kissed her forehead. My parents brought her homegrown roses today. We do celebrate Mother’s Day.

Dave

MAY 8, 2007

10:52 pm
I am tired of being a poster boy of this pain, I am tired of comparisons, “this is nothing like you’re going though,” just allow me the struggle with something outside of myself without needing to compare it. Damn, this struggle, the pain that I fall asleep to, the sleepless prayers in the middle of the night and the pain of each morning because it only means that I need to begin all over again. Prayer is a necessity to me not a luxury; I can’t hold this togethe